You’re right, I totally should get my bike fixed. I wish I had thought of that.

I personally don’t believe in a higher power.
I feel that the strength to do anything is located within a person, and giving credit to an imaginary(no offense) being is taking the credit away from where it is due.

I do follow my food plan, and I try to get out and walk and jog whenever I can. 

I’ve been doing better overall, but I have bipolar disorder and when my mood swings it can last for a long time and the depression really effects my capacity to give a fuck about anything, let alone my diet and exercise. 

Thanks for your message

I’ve got this resentment towards my parents about my bike and I’m not sure if it’s unfounded.

My bike broke in late May/early June and they both said they’d pay to fix it because I couldn’t afford the $200+ that repairs and replacements would cost.

Now it’s almost the end of August and the closest it got to being fixed was one weekend in July when my mom said she tried to find time to take it to the bike shop but couldn’t do it.

If getting it there was the problem, I tell her, then I’ll take the bike on the train and then fucking carry it to the bike shop two blocks from the train.

“We’ll see” she says.

My dad totaled his car and spent all of the insurance money on drugs, and hasn’t had a job in 8 months so he couldn’t afford it even though he said he would use his insurance money to fix it.

I know I shouldn’t rely on my parents to do things for me, I’m an adult and I should take care of this myself.

But when they both said they’d pay to fix it and then neither even made an effort, I got a little angry.

They both “care so much” about me losing weight and getting fit, as long as it doesn’t mean they have to actively do anything to help.

They can yell at me when I’ve had too much to eat, or if I sit on the computer for too long, but when it comes to actually helping, they really don’t seem to give two shits.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this or why I’m writing it, but I just needed to get it out somewhere.

Thank you, I appreciate it. One day at a time!

I was thinking about fundraising when I first had the idea, but I’m not sure right now.

Although it’s going to be hard work, I don’t want to make it about work(if that makes sense).

I may look into fundraising/awareness in the future, but as of right now it’s just going to be for me.

I was thinking of writing a book about the whole journey and donating a percentage of the proceeds to local youth fitness programs, but that’s just getting way ahead of myself, haha.

I finally found a job! I start work on Friday, which means I’ll finally be able to afford to fix my bike and get back ON THE ROAD!

The only issue is I’m working at a calzone shop and I love calzones.

My three biggest food issues(i.e. this is why I’m fat) are breads, meats, and cheeses. And that’s exactly what a calzone is.

I get a free one with each shift, so I need to either learn to say no, or only have one a week.

This is going to be hard, but I know I can do it.

I’m out at my mom’s “summer home” right now.

It’s basically a really classy trailer-park-slash-bible-camp.

The church part isn’t really my thing, but it’s nice to get out of the city, get some fresh air, long walks in the woods and all that good stuff.

This week, about 100 people from Baltimore came up here, as they do every year around this time.

Now I only get to see them one week out of the year, but after 8 years of doing this, we’ve developed some close friendships.

So on top of the change of scenery, I also get to see my friends.

But the thing is, they’re all fit. Except for the youth minister, there isn’t an overweight person in the group of people I tend to hang with.

So every year, every night they go out and play games and go swimming in the lake and I sit on a bench by the lake and watch them and write in my notebook.

And every year, every Wednesday, the entire group goes to Darien Lake(a Six Flags theme park about an hour drive away from where we are now).

They’re all on their way now, my mom and sisters included and here I get to sit in the trailer alone because I can’t fit on the rides so going would be a waste of money.

The irony of this is my name is also Darien. The park’s name is Darien Lake. 5 times out of ten, when someone first learns my name they crack some stupid joke that I’ve heard before about me getting them and their friends in for free or if the Lake was named after me. And I haven’t even been there in 7 years because I’ve been too fat.

On top of how shitty that is, a friend of my mom’s was on her way back to her home in Pennsylvania and she just dropped off an entire cheesecake saying she didn’t want to take it with her.

And all I can think of is it’s sitting in the fridge, nobody but me knows it’s there, and it’s gonna make me stop feeling like shit even for a little while. 

I know that’s not true. I know it’ll feel good for a minute and then I’m gonna feel like shit for hours. But all this coupled with the fact that I’m going through one of the worst manic episodes I’ve had in over a year is really making me kind of not care.

I haven’t lost any weight in the past two month, I’m depressed, I’m off my diet, I’m drinking way more than I should, I haven’t exercised since my bike broke in June. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I just need to get this out somewhere.

It doesn’t. 
I’ve been completely off my diet and exercise plan.

No bueno. 

I’ma always be a BHM, just not quite as B :P

Carbon based life form, mostly water. DNA. RNA. Dominant brown eye alleles, amino acids, testicles and all that other good shit. The usual 2 ears, 2 eyes, one nose, 10 fingers, 10 toes. You know how it goes.